It's amazing how easy it is to lose track of time. It seems like yesterday that I was pining after some straight guy, and then another, and then another. It seems like if Karma were real I would have a huge pool of guilt that I need to work through.

I didn't realize when I started this journal so long ago that I would ever actually say goodbye, lately though the words 'Goodbye' seem to be more often said than thought. It seems like every day I get closer to the end, and I get less afraid of it every time. Life is mediocre, it's a shade of what should be. I have an odd view of it, some would call it emo but it truly isn't. I'm unattached to life. It is merely a stop on some grander journey, even if it is the final stop. Who knows if there is life after death? Personally I hope not. I don't want to have to feel this anymore, even at the cost of feeling nothing.

I fell in love again, you see. It was with another person who was straight though he had no problem with letting me know that he "used" to be gay. He's sitting beside me now and guessing at what I'm writing. I told him I would be here for him forever, and I mean it. But you all know me, I'm the obsessive protective possessive type. He also let's me love him, and that's the closest thing to love I have ever come to. I'm going to be 27 this year, and the closest to love that I will ever get is holding someones hand.

I'll write more when the mood strikes me.